I would be drinking a lot more, because, you know, I’m easily encouraged.” Lee’s influence has led to different shared activities. “Instead we get up at like half past 5 in the morning to go to the gym,” she said. “Tony drinks the occasional glass of wine,” Banks said, and doesn’t exhibit any signs of an alcohol problem. Now 49 years old, Banks has successfully maintained his sobriety for 16 years.

I’m Sober and My Spouse Is Not: Will Our Marriage Work?

As affected others we must be careful to avoid climbing aboard this emotional roller coaster and compensating for their deficits. So we come to accept that going back is not an option and that building new relationships with new boundaries and clear expectations is key. Stephens cites this kind of support as evidence that, with her marriage, she is “one of the lucky ones,” but her husband made it clear that he feels luck was on his side as well.

Likewise, Banks said that the support he needs from his partner is, in part, space to maintain the relationships he’s built with others in recovery. Tony’s alcohol use is distinct, however, from Banks’ own former use, and that of his former partner. Suboxone (buprenorphine/naloxone) is indicated for the treatment of opioid dependence in adults.

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Freedom from alcohol in 90 days​ with clinical, community, and coexisting issue support.

• While there may be some correlation between a successful marriage and sobriety, partners entering recovery can also learn to get healthy together.
• But I’ve never been able to find statistics about the divorce rate of marriages when the abusive drinker is in recovery.
• Though I did not doubt that we loved each other, the chaos of addiction had eroded our trust in each other, and my life no longer felt my own.
• In addictions counseling I frequently hear outrage that, “My partner still doesn’t trust me!

I couldn’t have done any of this without Workit Health—they literally saved my life.

Moreover, if you have a partner who drinks heavily or uses drugs, you may be setting an example. Watching you change is often a deeply compelling pitch for a sober life. Then, of course, there are some people who arrive in recovery convinced that their relationship is doomed. They are brimming over with resentment and frustration at their partner, and quick to see their flaws. In some cases, we have been unable to see the ways in which our drinking, using and thought patterns have contributed to the negative feelings in our homes.

I gave up the other love of my life, my beer and whiskey, because I thought that’s what needed to happen to repair my marriage. Sheri had felt like the second most important thing in my life for years. Offering to stop cheating on her with my liquid lover wouldn’t do anything to fix the pain of the years of betrayal.

Setting Goals and Making Progress

Meanwhile, others may choose to have a drink every once and a while and rarely ever reap the consequences of doing so. Remember that every person has a unique biological makeup and is enduring unique lived experiences, which all play a role in the potential development of addiction. Stephens said that as he became more confident in her sobriety, she got more comfortable sharing details of her experience with her husband. For example, she says the sight of most alcohol doesn’t usually bother her anymore, but the aroma of red wine im sober and my spouse is not marriage and sobriety — her former drink of choice — can still elicit a reaction. If I say, ‘I’ve got this idea,’ she’s very supportive of it,” said Lee, who said Leigh provided this belief in him when it came to writing his memoir.

• You’re being in recovery doesn’t mean that you can magically heal them or fix their problems and to place that on you is setting you both up to fail.
• Her partner drank significantly less when she abstained, and has easily adjusted his own drinking to Royle’s sobriety.
• If you’re struggling with addiction, it’s important to seek help from a treatment center like Northpoint Recovery.
• Sober people and their partners understand that sobriety isn’t a joint effort.

I discovered that those traits were his innate qualities and not alcohol-induced. Divorce after sobriety My partner went to treatment shortly after we started living together. The most challenging decision I had to consider was whether to stay or leave the relationship.

At NorthStar Transitions, we can meet you and your spouse where you are at on your recovery journeys and work to influence lasting wellness in both of your lives. Then, of course, there is the fundamental question of how you spend time together. The newly recovering person will almost certainly not want to meet at the bar after work, and most partners will understand this and adjust social activities. However, many of us were relieved to learn that when we were on solid footing, we could do most things that non-alcoholics do, like going to parties or other events where alcohol is served. Also, it’s perfectly okay to ask a partner who still drinks to brush their teeth before a kiss.

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Talk about how your relationships with substance use make one another feel. Talk about your boundaries and see if you agree on how to proceed. Before you consider anything as drastic as ending the relationship, make sure you’re doing all you can do to get on the same page. If you value one another, you’ll take the time to hear each other out.

Because of the difficult aspects of substance use recovery, the partner in recovery may not initially have the energy to commit to healing the relationship. Codependency can also cause the non-addicted partner to unwittingly enable unhealthy behaviors, which may encourage substance use and addiction. But originally, it was created to describe the romantic partners (usually women, although we now know that men can become codependent as well) of people with SUD. But the stress that comes along with constant arguing can become a trigger for the person living with SUD to use drugs or alcohol.

Solution strategies: Ways to cope with a partner who is still drinking or using after you’ve quit

If you and your partner are willing to make it work, it is certainly possible for you to maintain sobriety while your spouse still drinks. When you initially entered addiction treatment, many factors likely played a role in your willingness to receive professional guidance and support. For example, you may have become aware of the consequences of your substance abuse on the lives of those you love, which motivated your behavior change. You may have also felt compelled to engage in treatment due to the encouragement and support of loved ones knowing that you deserve healing and peace. Boundaries are the lines you draw around your time, money, personal space, sex, interactions, etc. to protect your well-being.

Kali Lux is a consumer marketing leader with a focus on healthcare and wellness. She has over a decade of experience in building and operating metrics-driven brand, demand generation, and customer experience teams. In early sobriety, it can be hard to know exactly what you need from other people. Because it’s hard to know what you need from anyone, even yourself. This is why dating is often discouraged if you’ve just gotten into recovery. It takes time to figure out who you are and what you need without chasing a constant buzz.