His absence from our home gave me the necessary space to process how addiction had turned our lives upside down so quickly. The truth is, not all of us are able to create conditions where we can shield ourselves from people who drink or use. So we work to figure out how to get and stay sober regardless of what is going on around us. If you are in recovery from addiction, it’s important to take things slow when it comes to rebuilding your marriage. Recovery is a process that takes time, and it’s important to focus on your sobriety first and foremost.

Your situation is not an uncommon one and plenty of treatment services offer options for counseling and mediation between couples whose problems center around substance use. If you’ve gone through treatment for addiction, you know that your environment and support network play  crucial roles in your long-term success in sobriety. It’s a regular part of recovery to reassess your relationships in light of your new goals and set boundaries if you need to in order to protect yourself. This can be an uncomfortable but manageable process when you’re distancing yourself from friends who might be detrimental influences. However, it can be much more difficult to navigate if the unhelpful influence is your spouse or romantic partner.

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You can find help 24/7 at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Any general advice posted on our blog, website, or app is for informational purposes only and is not intended to replace or substitute for any im sober and my spouse is not marriage and sobriety medical or other advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation arises in which you require medical advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified medical services provider. If you need a second opinion, talk to a trusted coach, counselor, sponsor, friend, or family member (not the partner in question). You can go to a 12-step meeting or a recovery group and share about the situation. In addictions counseling I frequently hear outrage that, “My partner still doesn’t trust me!

For Better of For Worse: Getting Sober When Your Partner Isn’t

Throughout addiction recovery, many external circumstances may interfere with your ability to maintain sobriety. If you are recovering from alcohol use disorder (AUD), such circumstances may be greater in number since drinking is often the center of social gatherings and celebrations. Further, if your spouse still drinks, you may feel triggered and tempted to reengage in alcohol use. While this situation is not ideal, your sobriety does not have to be the end of your relationship.

Im Sober and My Spouse Is Not Marriage and Sobriety

If you’ve gotten sober, you’ve probably already made it clear to your partner how seriously you’re taking your sobriety. The next period of time is going to present many changes for both of you. Your partner may see you differently and you may see their actions through a new perspective as well. Substance use can bring people together and once it’s removed from the equation, it can leave you feeling imbalanced. A therapist can help you learn more about the role you may have played in a codependent relationship and learn healthier patterns.

Support

I can only urge you to prioritize your own safety, health, and happiness, whatever you choose. Often when we’re using substances in an unhealthy way, we have unhealthy boundaries. Although it may be tempting to rationalize your partner’s substance use once you’ve gotten sober, keep your eyes firmly peeled for signs that it’s influencing your recovery. The last thing you need is to shoulder the burden of overcoming two addictions. You’re being in recovery doesn’t mean that you can magically heal them or fix their problems and to place that on you is setting you both up to fail.

• “When we first started dating, he drank a lot — or I thought he drank a lot.
• Moreover, if you have a partner who drinks heavily or uses drugs, you may be setting an example.
• And in reality, you’ve probably been hanging out with people who used drugs or drank like you did.
• You can go to a 12-step meeting or a recovery group and share about the situation.

Aftercare planning is a significant part of addiction treatment. During this part of recovery, counselors will develop a plan for staying sober while rebuilding life. Sobriety is wrought with daily challenges, mostly because others will continue to engage in alcohol and other drug use. When you feel triggered by others who are drinking, you must remind yourself that everyone is on their own healing journey. Some may not discover the consequences of their alcohol use for years, while others may be a few days away from entering a treatment program.

• Talk about your boundaries and see if you agree on how to proceed.
• Unfortunately, it’s just as likely that things break down even once you address your differences in position head-on.
• The difference is that they have 100% control over whether they stay sober and we have none.
• This is why dating is often discouraged if you’ve just gotten into recovery.
• Further, if you are both willing to make it work, your spouse may need to consider ceasing their alcohol and other drug use for the sake of your marriage.
• Call our admissions team now and start building a life beyond addiction.

Our recovering loved ones have the same fear we do – that they will return to using/drinking. The difference is that they have 100% control over whether they stay sober and we have none. The pitfalls for the affected other (people affected by a loved one’s drinking or drugging) are many. We hope that being clean will return them to the person we once knew. But she’s learned that his sobriety isn’t dependent upon her actions.

“He can go out, have a drink or two, and it just adds to his evening, whereas I was definitely someone who saw alcohol as the main event,” she said. Over the past several years of being alcohol-free, Royle has founded a non-alcoholic beverage business and married her partner. I was with a guy on and off for much of my young adult life. When I came home from rehab, he had moved out of his own apartment and was now living in my apartment since he didn’t have a home of his own. And was growing weed in my apartment (and smoking it every night).

Many people also struggle with the fact that a partner still drinks or uses drugs. Some couples are able to sustain relationships where one person drinks or uses drugs casually, but it’s not for everyone. It’s okay to decide that this is something you cannot tolerate, but that doesn’t mean you should cast blame or judgment on your spouse. Your life is taking a turn for the better, but it can sometimes be difficult for a spouse to see it that way. It isn’t easy to cut people out of your life, but I would not have been able to achieve long-term recovery if I were still with that guy.

No matter how long your family has lived under the oppression of addiction, there are bound to be residual concerns, issues and feelings. The ONLY person who is responsible for drinking/drugging is the addict themselves. While their external behavior may be very different, folks in early recovery have the same character flaws they had when they were using.

And I really viewed this moment of COVID as a time where I could quietly quit,” Royle told HuffPost. Leigh says that being in a relationship with Lee leads her to drink less, and she sees that as a positive overall. “If he did drink, I think potentially we would be drinking a lot more.

So it wasn’t until I got the strength to free myself of that relationship that I actually got sober,” Banks told HuffPost. One of the biggest challenges of having a spouse who is not sober is that you may feel like you’re always walking on eggshells. It can be hard to relax and enjoy your life when you’re constantly worried about what your spouse is doing or whether they will make it home safe.

Maintaining a romantic relationship can be challenging even without the pressures of substance use disorder and recovery. Whether you can and will stay with a partner who still drinks or uses is up to you. I’ve known people (with partners who respected their recovery) who have managed it. I’ve also known people who have realized it would not work for them.